Friday, June 25, 2010

Fucking up is the hardest thing to live with

The difference, I realized, between being alive and being dead is that sense of push that motivates you to continue further with life. That motivation propels you forward to do the things you like, to make things happen as you want them to happen, and most especially, to pursue what you are really passionate about--that is, your dreams. That sense of motivation is clearly what I am lacking now.
I was not a good person. I shit around so much in Ateneo: Totally enjoying the temporary freedom given to me away from the horrors of my home and simultaneously losing my own self of identity. I betrayed trusts and friendships and confused with the feeling of being alone. An irony it is, because I was the one who turned down the opportunities to reconcile. Yes, I shit so much....and I totally regret those shitting around. God knows how my conscience grinds my soul in remorse.
Right now, I just don't know. I just don't know what to do with this fucking life. My mother, fortunately, tries to bridge the gap between us and I, fortunately, had overcome the life-long communication barrier between us and I am totally grateful that she understands my position. She always ask me what my plans are, and the only reply that she is getting (as you would predict): I DON'T KNOW. And what I don't understand with this "I don't know" is that I used to be this dreamer who always want to soar and I did soar at some point in my life. I just don't understand why I am like this.
It is not easy for me, yes, living my life like this--without purpose. And some people around me thinks that I am just still playing with my life. I am not playing games now, I am being existential. Now that I am trying to reconnect with my father, siblings and other family relationships: They are making it harder for me. Mocking me. Honestly, when I am with my father, I always have this feeling that he mocks me, he disgusts me because I'm gay, and he thinks that I am now hopeless. It is really hurting me....excruciatingly, and he thinks I deserve to be in this ravine. He sometime says good things about me but I can feel the fakeness of those words. I can't see the ingenuity of him when he talks at me, I am feeling the mockery and malice.
Yes, I did fell a long long way down since and right now, I am totally wasted. I lack the motivation to go further and now losing hope in getting one because there are still people around me that denies me of having one. As much as I plead for their help to salvage me, they are just making it harder for me. Right now, I think I need help from my friends or even someone who could I talk to with and just burst out because these tears need to flow out of me. I am alone, I know, because of own doings, but right now....I need your help.