I was not a good person. I shit around so much in Ateneo: Totally enjoying the temporary freedom given to me away from the horrors of my home and simultaneously losing my own self of identity. I betrayed trusts and friendships and confused with the feeling of being alone. An irony it is, because I was the one who turned down the opportunities to reconcile. Yes, I shit so much....and I totally regret those shitting around. God knows how my conscience grinds my soul in remorse.
Right now, I just don't know. I just don't know what to do with this fucking life. My mother, fortunately, tries to bridge the gap between us and I, fortunately, had overcome the life-long communication barrier between us and I am totally grateful that she understands my position. She always ask me what my plans are, and the only reply that she is getting (as you would predict): I DON'T KNOW. And what I don't understand with this "I don't know" is that I used to be this dreamer who always want to soar and I did soar at some point in my life. I just don't understand why I am like this.
It is not easy for me, yes, living my life like this--without purpose. And some people around me thinks that I am just still playing with my life. I am not playing games now, I am being existential. Now that I am trying to reconnect with my father, siblings and other family relationships: They are making it harder for me. Mocking me. Honestly, when I am with my father, I always have this feeling that he mocks me, he disgusts me because I'm gay, and he thinks that I am now hopeless. It is really hurting me....excruciatingly, and he thinks I deserve to be in this ravine. He sometime says good things about me but I can feel the fakeness of those words. I can't see the ingenuity of him when he talks at me, I am feeling the mockery and malice.
Yes, I did fell a long long way down since and right now, I am totally wasted. I lack the motivation to go further and now losing hope in getting one because there are still people around me that denies me of having one. As much as I plead for their help to salvage me, they are just making it harder for me. Right now, I think I need help from my friends or even someone who could I talk to with and just burst out because these tears need to flow out of me. I am alone, I know, because of own doings, but right now....I need your help.