On being sick and growing a wisdom tooth: Maybe

This week, I was so sick partly because I drank last weekend and had allergic rhinitis during the next few days. I was fooled to believe that smoking the shisha (You know the arabic thing that you put some flavor and you inhale it?) won't affect me like cigarette does. So the next day, I found myself endlessly barking with cough and sneezing the sanity out of nose. ANNOYING-- that's how I describe the feeling allergic rhinitis compounded with phlegm-less cough.

Taking anti-histamines helped. It pacified my nose and luckily, I stopped coughing on Tuesday. The good news is I felt better. The bad news: It lasted for like I few hours.

So there I was, so bitin of the relief and lying in the bed under my blanket, sick with fever, head searing with pain and trying to entertain myself with Grey's Anatomy Season 7 marathon. The fever wasn't as annoying as the allergic rhinitis + cough combo, but it's WORSE when something at the back of my mouth started to pulse with pain. It turned out that I am about to have my wisdom tooth!

Yes! A wisdom tooth. A WISDOM-FREAKING-TOOTH! AND I AM FREAKING 19! PANIIIIIIIC!!!!!

***
This year, there's a looming fear inside me. It's not the scary-fear type but it's a more subtle fear- the bothering type of fear. I am bothered by the fact that I turned 19 last June and I am turning 20 next year! Why am I bothered? I don't know but maybe because Edward Cullen get to stay 17 eternally, then freaking Bella 18 (or 19, I'm not sure) and I am going to be freaking 20 when  the suffix "teen" is nowhere to be found in 20!

To be clear, I am not afraid of growing old. I was never afraid of growing old. Growing old is the first thing I wished for so that I could run away from the miserable home that I had. So why this subtle fear? Why am I panicking in the middle of this circumcision-reminiscing pain pulsing at the back of my mouth?

Maybe because I'm still longing for my dream childhood that I never had (Futile, i know). Maybe because growing a year older means another year lost-- another price that I have to pay for fucking up big time. Or maybe because I am just lost and I do not have any idea of what future holds for me.

Maybe that's the answer. Or maybe I will just have to take this white pill in hopes that this annoying pain will be alleviated for the next 8 hours.