Friday, July 16, 2010

Whew! Hard!

It is hard having a life without a certain goal-- when you had just witness that your whole world, together with your dreams, had crushed upon your very eyes. It is hard, yes: harder than having Sue Sylvester gets to have a scoliosis for 30-so years.

Whenever I am alone by myself, thoughts are haunting me and they confront me with an excruciating suffering of whether I will stay this slowpoke for the rest of my life or not. Of course,I would want to be someone great. After all, that was my fuel way back those time when I was in the Ateneo. TO BE GREAT. Whatever form it will take, basta, I have to be great. Also, I dreamed of being a surgeon (as inspired by Meredith Grey) or a teacher in college having all these Ph.D's or any other affixes to my name. Yes, I was so determined that time to have as many achievements as I could and I was so competitive. But you see, those days are replaced (I would not say that they were gone. There is still hope. I know) by a cruel nightmare spanned its way for almost a year now. I lacked focus and I feel strength to continue with life was snatched away from me. I am not that enthusiastic with life now. I feel miserable and even I can't comprehend the gravity of grief that I am feeling now.

It is just I feel that I am lost from the chaotic history of life. Yes, I fucked up entirely but you know, there is always these thoughts that if ever I had a better family, i would be a better person right now. I know it is sooo foolish of me wanting for something that is irreplaceable but if you could just know how my father terrorize me emotionally, you would want to have a better father. How could he be so selfish? He is! Soooo selfish that he can't even help me overcome my sickness. He always looks at me with disgusts that I didn't know where it is coming from. He just hated me being myself and I can't even get his respect. Well, I am just going with the flow with this kind of father and as God as my witness, there will come a time when I am the one who will have the last hearty laugh over him. Thinking of him is enough to have my mind discombobulated and chaotic. I hate it when he can't even feel a sort of remorse and blame everything to me including the death of my tita who died because of a heart failure. He would not even take some responsibility over the craziness of his life and often tell me that we have problems of our own and we must deal with it by myself. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE CONCEPT OF FAMILY AS A FAMILY. They were the one who taught us to be selfish with our feelings!

Life is hard especially having my situation. I just wish to have something that will inspire me to do again. Just a little something to propel me forward!

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